


It's Complicated

by knittingknerdy



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes & Steve Rogers Friendship, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Bucky Barnes Returns, F/M, Fluff, Hydra, Mutant Reader, Reader Insert, maybe eventual smut, past with reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-10
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-07-14 07:05:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 10,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7158854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knittingknerdy/pseuds/knittingknerdy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You are a mutant ex-Hydra agent who used to be the Winter Soldier's field handler.  When Steve finds Bucky and brings him back to the Avengers, things are complicated and your past relationship is exposed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> James=Bucky=Asset= Winter Soldier
> 
> I have a few chapters written and I'll try to keep up with writing this one.

Steve Rogers walks into the Avengers common room to find the team gathering for lunch. Sam and Natasha were placing plates and food onto the table. 

Sam looks up, “Hey man, where have you been?”

The room grows quiet as the Winter Soldier steps into the room behind Steve. 

Steve raised his hands defensively. “It’s alright, he’s with me. I found him in Budapest. He remembers everything. It’s safe.” The group collectively releases the breath it didn’t realize it was holding.

“Hey!” You walk out of the kitchen with two bags of chips “Do we want BBQ or regular?” 

You raise your head and make eye contact with the man from your worst nightmares. His eyes widen in surprise. Instinctively, your body reacts. You flip the table to block his sight lines and search frantically for a weapon. You throw a handful of silverware and as he deflects them using his metal arm you use the distraction to run into the kitchen. On your way behind the island you grab the knife block sitting on the counter. You pull out the knives and prepare to defend yourself, but the attack never comes. 

Sam finds you behind the island, shaking, and your eyes unfocused. He crouches down and begins to talk to you in soft, soothing tones. “It’s ok, Y/N. He isn’t here to hurt anyone. Look at me. Tell me where you are. Find your safe space.” 

After a few moments, your panic begins to subside. Pushing down the visions of the Hydra base they kept you in and the horrible things they did to you there. You meet Sam’s eyes and nod. You try to smile reassuringly, but you realize it isn’t working when Sam’s eyebrows knit together in concern. You take a shaky breath and stand, bracing yourself against the cool, marble counter top. The knives clatter as you drop them on the island. 

“What the hell happened to lunch?” Tony exclaims as he walks into the common room. 

“It’s complicated.” Bucky says, shifting his gaze down to his feet and refusing to meet your eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so creative with my chapter titles.

You run a hand through your hair and walk into the common room to survey the mess you made. “Shit guys, I’m sorry. I’ll order pizza. Friday, can you place an order for pizza?”

“Yes ma’am. The usual?”

“Yes, thank you.” You sigh. “Unless anyone wants anything different?”

Everyone shakes their heads no. They all move to clean up the mess you made. You know you should be helping, but you can’t bring yourself to put yourself in a vulnerable position while He is still in the room. You glance around helplessly and back into the kitchen. “Uh, I’ll get paper towels.”

You hear Steve begin to talk as you start to leave. “Hey I’ll just show Bucky up to his room. I’ll be right back.” 

You grab paper towels from the counter and once you make sure Steve and the Asset have left, you begin to help the other clean up. 

A half hour later has the common room looking like nothing ever happened. The pizza arrives and everyone settles into the common room with their food. As you go to take your first bite, you realize that most of the room is staring at you expectantly. 

“So you’re not even going to talk about what happened?” Clint asked.

You sigh and set down your pizza. “I will it’s just…”

“Complicated? Yeah we heard that already.”

“No it’s a long story and I would like to eat my pizza before it gets cold. Besides, it is as much James’ story as it is mine. I want to talk to him first.” You pick up your pizza, take a bite, and smirk at Clint.

“Do you think it’s a good idea to talk to Bucky? It didn’t go so well the last time. And did you just call him James?” Sam’s voice is full of concern.

You finish chewing and set your pizza down again. “Well he caught me by surprise. I thought he was here to kill me. Again. When I met him, even he didn’t know he preferred Bucky, so I used the name from his file. I think James suits him.” You take another bite of your pizza and try to ignore the unspoken questions buzzing around the room.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My secret fantasy is apparently just making Bucky something warm to drink when he can't sleep. :)

You roll over and stare at your alarm clock. You made it to 2am this time. You groan in frustration and push yourself out of bed to go to the bathroom. As you wash your hands, you decide that a cup of hot chocolate would be a welcome distraction. Hopefully it will help calm the swirling storm of thoughts and memories running through your head. You pull on sweatpants and a baggy shirt over your usual sleep attire of underwear and a light support bra. As you make your way to the kitchen, you enjoy the stillness that is so hard to find during the day. There is always someone going somewhere and it’s hard to find time to yourself. 

As you move through the common room, the stillness is disturbed. You realize that someone is sitting on the couch and has looked up when they heard you come in. 

Moonlight glints off of the metal of his arm as he turns to look at you. This time you are able to quell your immediate reaction of panic. You change course and sit down on the couch next to him.

“Hey James,” you say quietly. “Still having trouble sleeping?” You see a small smile play across his lips.

“It’s been a while since anyone has called me James.”

“Oh, sorry, I can call you Bucky.” You bite your lip and try to hold back the disappointment in your voice.

“No, it’s nice. It brings back memories.”

You smile and look down at your hands that have nervously twisted themselves together. 

“I was going to make some hot chocolate, would you like some?” You ask, raising your gaze to meet his.

“I would love some. Thank you, Y/N.”

You stand up from the couch and put out your hand expectantly for his. He slowly places his hand in yours and stands before you can step back. Something in your body stirs as you are overwhelmed by his closeness. Before you lose yourself completely you step back and pull him along to the kitchen. 

“Come on, it takes a while to do it right. You can sit in the kitchen to wait.”

You busy yourself in the kitchen as Bucky takes a seat on one of the stools at the island. You get out the milk and a saucepan and set it to start warming. You walk over to one of the secret weapons panels set into the wall and press your index finger to the biometric pad. The wall slid open to reveal racks of guns and knives. 

“You threw a bunch of forks at me when you had this at your disposal?” He chuckled.

“Hey, I had knives for my next move. Trust me, I was working out how to get this panel open without leaving myself exposed. But for now,” you lift the layer of foam at the bottom of the cabinet and dig underneath it, retrieving a bar of chocolate, “I just need to get some of my stash.” You smile and press the button to close the panel. 

“You’re hiding chocolate in there too?”

“You don’t understand. These people I live with are relentless if they think you are hiding snacks from them. My room isn’t even safe. I’m pretty sure Tony has Friday monitor all of our purchases so he knows.” You laugh when you see the shock on his face. “Ok, it’s probably not that bad. But chocolate is rarely safe.”

You turn back to the stove and break pieces of chocolate into the milk and stir until it melts. You add a bit of cinnamon and pour the hot chocolate into cups. You set one in front of Bucky and stand next to him. 

“We probably need to talk about what we want to tell everyone. How much we want to share. Want to move back to the couches?” You look over your mug at him as you take a sip.

His long hair falls over his face as he shakes his head. “Maybe somewhere less open? I’d rather not have anyone listen in.” 

“My room then. I’ve disabled most of Tony’s gadgets. He really is too nosy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think. I'm trying to keep a bit ahead of what I'm publishing, but I don't mind more ideas.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit more of their background.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to work on this one more, but I'm distracted by another fic. It was supposed to be short. But I think I'm close to done and will be back to this one.

You enter your room ahead of James. You place your hot chocolate down on your desk and move a pile of books from your reading chair. You gesture to it as you sit in your desk chair and put your feet up on the ottoman. He sits and you both stare into your cups, unsure how to start the conversation. 

You finally break the silence. “So you really remember everything?”

“I do.”

“I’m sorry. I’m still missing pieces and it’s hard enough.” You take a deep breath. “I suppose it isn’t much consolation that you were brainwashed the whole time? I sometimes think it would be easier to deal with if I hadn’t chosen to join them.”

“No, I still did all of those things.”

Silence falls again as you sip your hot chocolate. 

You start again, “So the team knows my history. When I turned myself in, I gave them everything. Well, actually, I didn’t mention you by name. Just that I was the head of an asset team. I think Director Fury suspected based on some of the details I gave him.”

“Steve said there was someone from Hydra who had defected and had information on me. That’s how he was able to find me. He found the bases we were held at and went through the files.”

You laughed, “Then yes, Fury figured it out. Wily, bastard.”

James stared down into his mug. “I am sorry I tried to kill you.” He looked up and you saw the regret filling his eyes. 

“I can’t say I didn’t expect it. That last mission. I still hear the screams of the kids in that village. I…something snapped. They tried to wipe me, hence the memory gaps. But it didn’t take fully, but I played along. As soon as someone let their guard down I was gone. You caught up quick.” You smiled at him. “Is it bad I was a little proud at how quick you found me?”

He laughed, a genuine laugh you hadn’t heard in years. 

“Granted it was quickly replaced by panic,” you continued. “Actually you’re the reason I went straight to Shield. I didn’t think Hydra would let you go after me in the enemy’s den. I’m glad I was right. They sent others though.”

His smile was replaced by a frown and you felt sad you had chased away his moment of happiness. 

“Oh you should have seen the look on their faces when I turned myself in!” you exclaimed, trying to lighten the mood. “I managed to sneak all the way into Fury’s office. Steve, Sam, and Natasha were there. I walked in and Natasha recognized me immediately. Pulled her gun while the rest of them were still trying to figure out how I had gotten in there. I dropped to my knees and put my hands behind my head and explained that I was there to turn myself in. Sam still tells that story at parties. I apparently missed the priceless look of shock on Fury’s face while I was trying to convince Nat not to shoot me.” You trailed off as you finished. 

He brought you out of your memories when he spoke. “Do you remember the time, it must have been around Christmas, and the guards all got drunk? You made me sneak out to play in the snow.” His voice was tinged with nostalgia. 

Your eyes met his soft blue ones. Your breath caught in your throat when you saw the pleading look he was giving you. You smiled softly and felt your cheeks blush as you remembered that night. 

“Of course,” you said softly. “It was the night we first kissed.”


	5. Snow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A flashback

5 years ago

Coming back from an assignment, your transport had been forced to make a stop at a small, mostly abandoned base. A storm had rolled in, and the snow had made it dangerous to stay in the air. You were restlessly pacing the room they had stuck you in. After realizing that sleep wasn’t going to come, you rattled your door to get your guards attention. You hoped they would allow you to roam the halls or find a room to train in. You were surprised when the door swung open and there was no guard to be seen. You smiled when you realized that the small team of handlers probably wouldn’t have keys to any of the rooms. You walked out of your room and began exploring. You paused carefully when you heard singing and slowly made your way to the sounds. What you found in that room was a welcome sight. It looks like the team found some food and alcohol stashed away and everyone had been partaking. Your brow furrowed with confusion when you realized they were singing Christmas carols. Was it already Christmas? If it was, you knew who you wanted to spend your Christmas with. You turned and ran back the way you came.

You came to a sudden stop in front of the door next to the room they had put you in. You knocked quietly and then swung it open. James was sitting on the cot and looked up when you walked in. 

“What are you doing here?” He whispered harshly. “If they catch you in here…”

“They are all at the other end of the base getting drunk. They didn’t lock the doors. They didn’t even leave a guard outside. Come on, I want to do something I haven’t done in a very long time.” You reached out your hand and smiled when he took it. You pulled him towards the door and out into the hallway. “I think it is this way.” You turned and hoped you could remember the way outside.

When James saw the door he stopped and pulled you back slightly. “We can’t run. I’m not safe.”

You turned back to face him. “I know. One day we’ll get out of here. But not yet.” You smiled mischievously. “Today I want to play in the snow. Come on!”

When you opened the door, you couldn’t believe your eyes. The forest was silent and blanketed in white. The moon was full and it surprised you how light it was. It looked like the storm had quieted down and the snow was lightly falling. You and James slowly walked out into the snow. 

Suddenly James stilled and you stepped back sensing his tension.

“Is someone out here?” You ask quietly.

“No, but they’ll see our footprints.”

“Oh.” You can’t help the sadness that creeps into your voice. You had just wanted one moment to feel normal and to do what you wanted and not what someone told you. James must have noticed your mood shift because he put his arms around you. 

“I have an idea, step in my footsteps. We’ll go out to where they shouldn’t be able to see us. We’ll try to cover the tracks up when we come back in. Hopefully it will snow more or the wind will help us.”

You nod and fall in line behind him. He stops in a clearing where you can no longer see the door. He looks around, scoping out the area. While he is distracted, you slowly bend down and begin forming a snowball. As he turns around to give you the all clear, you launch it at him. The look of shock on his face is perfect. Until he grins at you and you realize you just started a snowball fight with a very well-trained sniper. 

You lose track of time throwing snowballs at each other. You aren’t doing too badly, only because you can move faster than James. You had ducked down behind a tree and you thought you had lost him. You snuck around the tree, keeping low, and trying to see if you could find him to sneak up on him. Unfortunately, James is much better at that and before you even realized he was beside you, he had tackled you into a snowbank. 

His hand flew up to your mouth to muffle your laugh. When he removed it, you saw concern sweep across his face.

“Your lips are nearly blue. Are you cold? We should go in.”

He moved to push himself up and you grabbed the front of his jacket. The adrenaline coursing through you made you bold as you pulled him closer. “You could warm them up.” You murmured before pressing your lips to his. After a moment of shock, he eagerly kissed you back. 

After a moment he pulled away. “That was nice, but your lips really are freezing.” He laughed quietly as he stood up. He put his hand out to help you. “It would be best if we’re back before they notice us missing."

You sigh, but realize he is right and allow him to pull you to standing. You brush the snow off of your clothes while he tracks around to find the way you came in. 

“This time, you go first. Try to stay in the same footsteps. It looks like the wind has done of the work for us, but I’ll try to brush them away behind me.” 

You smile and nod and make your way back to the base. You slow down as the door comes into view. Just because no one was around coming in, doesn’t mean they haven’t remembered they have jobs to do. Thankfully it is quiet as you make your way back to your rooms. You pause outside of your door. You don’t want this night to end, for things to go back to how they were. 

“Thank you for that. It’s the first time I’ve felt human in a while. Thank you for helping me try to remember who I am.”

You smile at him and open your door. But before you can step inside, James grabs your arm. “One more for the road.” He whispers before pulling you in close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think from here, I'm going to add flashbacks (easier than exposition) if particular memories are referred to. I'm thankfully still a few chapters ahead. But I'm not sure where I'm going with this yet. If you think of something, I'd love to hear it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You have to tell the team about your past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's going to be a bit angsty for the next few chapters. I've got this written up to chapter 9 and planned out through 12. Maybe if I get some love, I'll post the next chapter before next Friday. Or the other fic.

Most of the team is gathered in the common room.  You take a shaky breath and walk in.  You take a spot in an empty arm chair and hug a pillow to your chest.  It feels a bit like armor in a room that feels hostile.  The team may know most of your history, but it was all from files.  It is another thing to have to tell your friends your past, the things you did to innocent people.  You look up as Steve and James enter the room.  You try to offer a reassuring smile.  You at least have the benefit of knowing this team, and they know you. 

They take a seat at the couch across from you and you are thankful that you can keep eye contact with James.  There are a few nervous coughs and you realize no one wants to be the first to ask a question. 

“So should we just start with the third degree or do you want to tell us your ‘complicated’ story?” Tony huffs and crosses his arms. 

You shoot a glare at Tony. “How about I talk, and you’re welcome to ask questions as you feel overwhelmed by the need to hear yourself speak?” 

“Nice,” Clint chuckles softly. 

“So teal deer version, I was James’, Bucky’s, handler,” you start.

Murmurs run through the group, some incredulous, some knowing. 

“Teal deer?” Steve is confused and you are again reminded of his deficiency in some more modern slang.  Sam had introduced him to Urban Dictionary for a particularly terrible thing Tony had said and now Steve tried to avoid the internet unless he was sure it was safe. 

“The short version.  The long version, where to start?  I was young and had just discovered my manipulation powers.  I used them to get as far away from my home as possible.  I ended up in London for a while.  I unfortunately was noticed using my powers.  I was offered the chance to make them stronger.  They promised to train me and I would have the world at my fingertips.  I was 15 and an idiot.  So I joined Hydra.  I didn’t realize their plan was to experiment on me until I barely knew who I was anymore.  From that broken shell they rebuilt me into a spy and a soldier.”

You stopped and hugged the pillow tighter for a moment.  You looked around the room at your teammates and realized no one was angry or disgusted by you.  Mostly looks of pity and understanding.  It gave you the confidence to go on, knowing you were surrounded by people who understood and were broken like you.  

“Blah, blah, blah, spy missions, etcetera.  My powers make it very easy to get information from people.  So I did.  A few years after joining, I received a new mission.  I was brought to a base in Russia.  They told me I would be in charge of an Asset.  He had been wiped, no memories, no free will.”  You paused when James tensed.  Waiting for him to relax before you continued.  “I was an extra measure of security to keep him in line.  We did…we killed a lot of people.”

Your concentration broke as Bucky spoke, “ **I** killed a lot of people.”

“And I told you to kill every one of them!” you spat out with anger that was directed more at yourself than him.  “You don’t get to shoulder all of the guilt here, Broody Bear.” You gasped and covered your mouth as the nickname you used to use slipped out. 

Your cheeks blush furiously and you rushed to begin again. “Um, we worked together for about 7 yea-.”

“No, no, no my dear.  You do not get to continue your story as if you did not just call him ‘Broody Bear’.  I will release you from telling the rest of your story if you just tell me why you call him that.” Tony is now braced on the edge of his chair, a mischievous glint in his eye. 

You bury your head in your pillow for a moment, wishing you had the power to disappear.  When you look up again, James is smiling at you. 

“That story will go to the grave with me,” you direct your steeliest gaze at Tony.  “Any further attempts to bring it up will be met with repercussions.  Understand?”

“I will get it out of you.” Tony retorts with a smile on his face.

You open your mouth again to retort, but Steve steps in to stop the two of you bickering before you can really get started. “Y/N, please continue.”

“Thank you, **Steve**.” You smirk at Tony as you continue. “7 years.  It’s a long time to work with someone and not care for them.  No matter if Hydra made sure **James** didn’t remember who I was each time he was brought out of cryo.  After a while I noticed that he was remembering things.  Just little things.  And after all of that time, I could no longer deny that I was on the wrong side.  The things I had done were horrible and I was having nightmares and panic attacks.  I realized I needed to escape.  And I planned to take James with me.  I hacked files and computers.  I volunteered for extra missions if I thought I could get more information on James.  I had to try to help him remember.  I had a notebook full of information.  I would read it to him when we went on missions.  After so long being obedient little puppets, they trusted us alone.  And if anyone ever caught us, I made them forget.”

You paused again now.  You were leaving so much unsaid that you needed to choose your words carefully for the end.  You and James had agreed not to share the exact nature of your relationship. You had settled on saying you had grown close.  When you looked up again, you realized how long you had been silent, lost in your thoughts.  Steve nodded at you, and you were surprised at the confidence it gave you. 

“Our last mission was 3 years ago.  It had taken about 3 years to gather information on James.  By then I could reliably get him to remember himself.” You paused and closed your eyes.  When you opened them, they were shiny with tears. “But I wasn’t careful enough.  Someone must of have figured it out.  We went for a mission and were sent with a team.  I talked with James the whole way and nothing I could say was bringing him back.  They had undone all of my work.  When we landed, they explained the mission.  We were to acquire a file from a doctor there.  Just one file.  It was a small village, less than 100 people.  When we went to leave, they told us to kill everyone.  I panicked.  I hid in one of the empty houses.” You paused as the tears began to fall. “I left all of them to die. And I just ran and hid.”  You sobbed into your pillow.  After a moment, you felt a hand on your back and looked up at Natasha.  She smiled and said, “You did what you had to do.  You couldn’t have stopped them on your own.”

“But I could have tried,” you cried.  “I just hid there like a coward.  I don’t know how long I sat there.  Eventually someone dragged me back to the jet, but I was so out of it.  I think they realized I was broken.  They tried to wipe me, tried to turn me back into what I was.  I played along.  It was my only way out.  I finally escaped and I ran, without hesitation.  I left James.  I didn’t look back except to make sure they weren’t chasing me.” You tried to swallow the lump in your throat.  Of all the things you’ve done, you were the most ashamed of just leaving him there.  You didn’t trust your own voice to continue.

You were relieved when James began to talk. “They sent me after her.  I caught up with her after about a month.  I had managed to shoot her and corner her in her hideout.  But in their rush to send me after her, they didn’t brief me as well as they should have.  I got too close and Y/N used her powers to make me forget what I was doing.  I caught up to her again in DC.  And that’s when she came to you.  Y/N, I think you said Sam likes to tell that story.”

“Oh yeah, I think that is the most emotion I’ve ever seen Nick Fury show.  Steve and I had no idea what was going on.  Natasha was the only one who had enough sense to pull a weapon on the person who managed to sneak into a top secret Shield facility and get to the director’s office.  Man, the look on Fury’s face.” Sam throws his head back and laughs. 

You finally look up from your pillow.  Eyes red from tears.  “Anything else we didn’t cover?  I promise I’m ok with James being here.  It will just take a while to suppress the survival instinct.  It has been nearly three years of expecting him to show up and either murder me or drag me back to Hydra.” 

“Yeah I have a question,” Tony raised his hand.  “About this nick…”

“I swear to God, Tony, I will end you.” You throw your pillow at him.  You expected more of a reaction.  Screaming, people telling you how awful you were.  You should have known better.  These were your friends. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How did Bucky get that nickname?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst, violence against the reader (not graphic)
> 
> Kykna- doll in Russian

4.5 years ago

You are sitting on a threadbare couch in a sparsely decorated safe house.  You look up from your book to see James at the table writing in one of the notebooks that you use for recording the things he remembers.   You wait for him to finish writing before speaking.  You know how important it is for him to get the information onto paper before it slips away again.  You’ve been working on helping him remember his past, but the flashes of memory slip away quickly.

“What did you remember?”

He looks up at you with a crooked smile.  “It’s not very important or useful actually.”

 You wave him over to join you on the couch.  He moves silently when he stands and you marvel at how someone so foreboding and large can move so gracefully. 

“I remember being at a carnival with a girl.  I don’t remember her name or when it was.  But I won her a stuffed bear.  She said she was going to call it Bucky.  And then she called me Bucky Bear for the rest of the evening.”  He smiled wistfully as he stared off into the distance. 

You pouted slightly as he remembered another woman so fondly.  “Bucky Bear.  I like it.”  You pause and bite your lip.  “Maybe I need to think of a nickname.  I almost slipped and called you James back at the base.” 

“That would have been bad.” He huffs, but you can see the shock and concern in his eyes.

“You think?” 

“A nickname would be good. Safer.”  He sighs and pulls you close. “We should go to bed.  Extraction is early tomorrow”

He stands up and pulls you off the couch.  With a tug, he nestles you into his side as you walk to the bedroom. 

 --

“Kykna*, wake up.  We’re going to be late.”  He whispers as he brushes hair out of your face.

You groan and bury your face into his chest and grip him tighter.  “10 more minutes, James.”

He kisses the top of your head and sighs, “fine.” He nestles back into bed.

Of course he is right and you barely make it to the extraction point before they leave. 

“You’re late!” The extraction leader screams at you.

You know you shouldn’t respond, but you’re angry.  You know returning to the base means, at best, you will barely be able to interact with James.  At worst, he will be wiped and put back in cryo.  “We made it before you left.  That’s not late.” You know from the shocked then angry look on his face, you will regret those words. 

\--

So far your return to the base has been uneventful.  No one has mentioned your insubordination.  You are ordered to take the Asset to the lab.  You sneer at the order to cover up the tears that prick at your eyes.  It earns you a rough shove out of the door with James following behind you.  You both walk in silence to the lab.  You’ve walked this hallway countless times before and the dark corners are filled with the words you’ve both left unsaid. 

You open the door to the lab and step to the side as he walks in ahead of you.  You hang back against the wall as he is ushered to his chair by the scientists.  It kills you to hear his screams as they wipe his mind, but you have to stay until you are dismissed so you lean against the wall.  The sound of the guard shifting next to you brings you out of your thoughts.

“He always looks so creepy.  He’s so brooding and intimidating.  I don’t know how you can stand to be around him.” The guard whispers to you. 

You’re shocked by the lapse in protocol.  But suddenly your mouth quirks into a smile.  “He’s really just a big teddy bear.  A broody, terrifying teddy bear.”  You begin to laugh, and even to your ears it sounds a little broken and wrong.  “Broody bear!” The scientists motion to the guard to take you back to your room.  You keep laughing so that you don’t cry.  They cannot see you cry. 

\--

You wake the next morning and feel like shit.  You vaguely remember them medicating you to get you to calm down.  It’s left one hell of a hangover in its wake.  You hear banging on the door and realize the noise is what initially woke you.  You slip on your shoes and shuffle to the door.  As it swings open, you are grabbed by guards in full armor.  They’ve learned it’s harder for your powers to work through layers of clothing.  They take advantage of that.  They also don’t allow your hands to touch them.  Another way of undermining your power. 

They bring you to the end of the hallway and toss you carelessly into a room.  It’s empty, but one wall is lined in mirrors.  You slowly stand and make a show of brushing yourself off.  This is your punishment for yesterday’s insubordination and your outburst in the lab.  You take the time to make yourself calm and prepare yourself.  Being angry and lashing out will only make this worse. 

“Y/N, you were late to the extraction and when reprimanded, you were insubordinate.  And yesterday you broke protocol by communicating with a guard.  What do you have to say for yourself?” the squawkiness of the speaker grated on your nerves, but you pushed your irritation down. 

“The mission exhausted me.  I slept too long.  It affected my behavior.  I apologize.  It will not happen again.” You hang your head to indicate your obedience and remorse. 

“You will have time to recuperate, but first you must be punished.  Send in the Asset.”

You look up and try not to react as James strolls through the door.  You drop your head again and pray that they have wiped him.  That he has no idea who you are.  You look up again as he strides towards you.  A wave of terror grips you as you realize they haven’t wiped him.  This is the first time he’s had to punish you while knowing who you are.  You offer him an almost imperceptible nod to reassure him before the first hit lands. 

You have no idea how long it lasts.  You’re barely conscious on your hands and knees, spitting blood onto the floor with each ragged breath, before the speaker squawks again. “Enough! Take her to her room.”

You hiss in pain as James scoops you up.  In your delirium you begin to talk, quietly with your face buried in his shoulder, you hope no one can hear you. 

“I’m sorry.  I should have known they would make you do this.  I’m so sorry.  I’ll miss you.  I’m sorry…” you trail off as you slip in and out of consciousness.  You wake up from the pain as he has to shift you to open the door. 

He lowers you onto your cot and you hear his voice by your ear before you pass out, “Broody bear, I like it.” 


	8. Chapter 8

Present day. 

Over the next few weeks, everyone begins to settle into a familiar rhythm again.  Training, missions, eating.  Natasha and Tony have always been the instigators of the team bonding.  You think that most of it comes from not really having a family to fall back on.  Not that most of the team did.  That is probably the reason everyone participated.  No one wanted to really admit how nice it was to have people there for you.  You were all broken and tormented.  It was nice to have a place to fall apart around people who were a hairsbreadth away from doing the same.  They were there to pick you back up.  The movie nights and “family dinners” served to remind you that the soldiers and spies that everyone saw on the outside were still people on the inside. 

Of course that is all well and good until it is your night to cook.  As Tony reminded you so lovingly on Monday.  Most nights, you had your choice of food.  You could go out, order in, cook for yourself, or have the chef make something for you.  But Thursdays, someone from the group had to cook and everyone had to be there.  Which is why it was Wednesday night and you were frantically searching through Pinterest for recipes that looked good, but not too complicated.  Your search was proving difficult and frustrating.  You dropped your head on your arms and sighed into the counter.  You were strongly considering ordering takeout and just re-plating it at this point.  You heard heavy footsteps walk into the kitchen.

“Hello, Y/N.”

You looked up with a grin on your face.  You knew that James could walk around silently.  But he had been making an effort to not sneak up on you.  Walking heavier than he really needed to.  If he walked into a room and your back was to him, he quickly moved to where you could see him before doing anything else.  If he couldn’t do that, he would always say hello, loudly. 

“Hello, James.  Any suggestions for dinner tomorrow?  Everything that looks good sounds like it is going to take me all day to make.  Tony will kill me if I just make spaghetti again.”

“Meatloaf?  Steve’s mom used to make the best.”  His eyes go wistful at the memory and it tugs on your heart to see him able to remember details like that. 

“Do you think Steve would have a recipe?  I think searching on the internet would just overwhelm me.”  You gesture at the laptop in front of you with frustration. 

“Actually, I watched her make it once.  It wasn’t very complicated.” 

You must have looked a bit incredulous because his next response was a bit defensive. 

“What?”

“You really do remember everything.” 

“Yeah.”  His response was quiet and he began to fidget nervously. 

“Hey, how about you help me tomorrow?  Get you ready for the day I’m sure Tony will force you to do this?”

He looks up with a smile, and you are pleased to realize you’ve brought him out of his memories. 

“Yeah, that would be nice.” He says with a nod.

“Alright, meatloaf.  Mashed potatoes?  Maybe one of these crazy Pinterest recipes for a side dish.  Rolls!”  You enjoy the comfortable feeling that washes over you as you plan the menu for the next day.

\--

James meets you in the kitchen at 3.  You went out early to go grocery shopping.  Fortunately you don’t get recognized much when you go out.  Especially if you are on your own.  Unfortunately, that means you don’t get to use the grocery service that some of the others get to. 

As you divvy up tasks and get to work, you both fall into your old patterns.  When you had to work together on missions, you would dance around each other.  Close, but never touching.  Never where someone could see you.  It used to frustrate you.  Avoiding each other like that.  You could feel yourself growing agitated as the dinner prep wore on.  You were in the middle of chopping up the potatoes when it hit you.  There were no handlers.  No one to punish you by withholding meals or torturing you. 

With that realization, you suddenly launched yourself at James.  Wrapping your arms around his waist in a hug.  After his surprised ‘oof’, he quickly wrapped his arms around you. 

“What’s this for?”  He asked.  You could hear the surprise and sadness in his voice.

“No reason.  But I can’t get in trouble for it anymore.”

He gently hummed in affirmation.  The two of you stayed like that, leaning onto each other for support, until the oven dinged for your attention. 

You felt his reluctance as you pulled away.  “You check on those.  I still have like 20 pounds of potatoes to peel.  They eat so much.” 

He laughed.  “I did wonder why we were making 5 meatloaves for 7 people.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and you give the team a taste of how you used to fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've actually worked out where I want to go with the story. I have all but the last chapter written. They are a bit short, so I'm thinking I'm going to post two chapters each Friday until we're done. Plus I like what cliffhangers that leaves us on. (I'm so sorry about chapter 12)

You run outside to get to the training room.  The new facility included an old hangar that was just emptied out for everyone to use.  It allowed for these large training sessions.  Everyone is responsible for their own training, except for today.  Steve insists the team get together once every two weeks to train together.  It’s helped developed some new moves.  You did really enjoy the day everyone took turns attacking Steve’s shield to see what it would do.  They had to rebuild a part of the building after that day.  You skidded to a stop outside the door and entered with a few moments to spare. 

You look around at your fellow Avengers.  It’s always a bit intimidating on these practice days.  Your fighting skill definitely isn’t up to the level of everyone else.  While your power gives you the ability to feel what your opponents are going to do next, you are still stuck with your body’s response time.  Which is awful.  You prefer guns and long range attacks. 

You snap to attention as you realize Steve is giving instructions.  Today you are working in pairs.  In close combat.  Great.  Close combat, and you get to drag someone else down with you.  You hear Steve call your name and then perk up as he assigns you to James.  You didn’t realize he was here.  It would be his first time working with the team. 

Steve finishes the assignments and sets the first teams to go.  You step off to the side and check your gear.  You prefer knives in close combat, but you settle for batons today.  Similar to the ones Natasha uses, but decidedly less shocking.  You had used hers once and after the fifth time shocking yourself, you handed them back to her.  After a few minutes you feel James move up beside you. 

“Can you still do that trick you used to?  Where I can sense what you can?”  He whispers quietly to you. 

“I can try.  I haven’t used it since you.” 

He nods.  The group shifts as the two teams finish up and the next move out onto the floor.  It looks like you and James will be paired against Steve and Natasha.  It will be an interesting fight considering the similar combat styles. 

You begin to fidget nervously, waiting your turn.  And finally it is.  You take up a stance directly behind James and place your hand on his back.  You close your eyes to try to open up your power.  Suddenly, it’s like the lights flicker on.  You can sense the feelings of everyone in the room.  You close your eyes again before trying to open the connection up to James.  You smile as you feel him open up his mind.  He turns his head to nod at you, indicating he can feel it.  You step back and prepare to fight as Steve asks if you are ready. 

The fight is long. Longer than Steve or Natasha anticipated.  You use James as a shield for the most part.  He’s fast and with your powers, he is even faster.  Easily able to keep the two of them distracted while you sneak in hits.  You smirk at Natasha as you yet again manage to dodge away from her.  You can feel her frustration rising and she is getting sloppy.  You are standing at James’ back when she backs away and turns her Taser batons on.  You step to the side and brace yourself as she rushes at you.  Apparently Steve had gone for the same move and ran at James.  At the last second, James deflected Steve towards where you were standing and scooped you out of the way of Natasha’s run.  As Natasha and Steve collided, one of her batons hit Steve and the other got sandwiched between her and his shield.  As they hit the ground, you look up to smile at James.

“What the fuck was that?” Your attention snaps to the rest of the team at Tony’s exclamation.  Everyone had a stunned expression on their face.  You could begin to feel the worry coming from James before you shut off the connection. 

This was going to be difficult to explain. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You begin to break through to Bucky

6.5 years ago

You were being dragged back to your cell after another round of experimentation by Hydra’s scientists.  You aren’t sure what they had hoped to find out at this point.  But they insisted on injecting you with drugs and drawing blood.  You were barely conscious, but the sounds of screams and metal on metal brought you out of your stupor.  As you turned the corner to the hallway containing your cell, you saw guards lined up outside of another cell.  You realized the screams were coming from the Asset’s room. 

When the guards in the hallway realize you are there, they motion to your handlers to remove you.  But you yell at them to wait.

“No, please.  I can help him.  I can try to calm him down.”  You hoped your voice sounded confident.  You’ve never tried to calm him down when he was this far gone. 

Your handlers and the guards yelled back and forth in Russian before you were dropped to the ground.  The guards made a path for you to get to the door and you took it as your sign that they agreed.  As you walked, you pulled off your shirt.  Leaving you in only your sports bra and pants.  You have no idea what state he’s in and your powers work best with skin to skin contact. 

Before you can really prepare yourself, the door is swung open and you’re pushed inside.  You have to fight the panic that threatens to overwhelm you when the Asset’s cold, blue eyes lock on you.  You roll out of his way as he rushes at you.  You crouch, ready to move again, as you take stock of your situation.  He’s shirtless.  The furniture is tossed around the room.  If you can jump on his back, hopefully you can avoid most of his swings before your powers start to work.  But he is tall.  How the hell are you going to get a running jump in this room? 

If you can’t get up, he’s going to have to come down.  As he runs at you again, you step to the side and then launch what appears to be a piece of the bed at him.  As he ducks to avoid it, you leap on his back and hold on for dear life. 

For a moment he stills trying to anticipate your attack, but you don’t move.  You use all of your power to try to calm him.  As he feels your influence, he tries to fight it.  Tries to fight you.  You narrowly miss his arms trying to grab at you.  He slams backwards into a wall and you can feel your grip weaken from the pain.  You renew your efforts to transmit calming feelings.  Suddenly, it feels like his mind is open to you.  All of his pain and terror comes sweeping over you and you have to fight to force it away.  As you fight through it, you can feel him slowly relaxing.  You nearly fall off again as he drops to his knees, but you brace yourself on the floor and continue to help him fight through the pain.  Finally you feel his mind quiet and you fall from his back to the floor, exhausted and bruised. 

He turns to look down at you, and all you can think is how much you hope it worked.  But you can’t sense any anger coming from him.  Just concern. 

“I’m sorry.”  His voice is low.  You’ve never heard him speak before.

You nod and close your eyes, exhausted from the fight.  But they snap open when you realize the connection is still open between you.  You can feel his confusion as you try to explain your powers.  He has met you before and has seen you use your powers, but you remember that they wipe his memories.  You don’t even know if he knows who you are. 

“Do you know who I am?” He asks.  Even without your powers, you can sense the sadness in his voice. 

“No, I’m sorry.  I barely know who I am.” 

“You’re Y/N.”  He says definitively.

“How do you know that?”

“I don’t know.”  He whispers.

You suddenly sit up and throw your arms around him.  You aren’t sure how he remembered your name.  He shouldn’t remember anything after being wiped.  But you are so glad he remembered you.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team confronts you about your "new" power, but it doesn't go well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.

Present day

The day after training, you find yourself sat next to Bucky, once again trying to explain yourself.  But this time you aren’t scared, you’re just angry.  Steve called this meeting after you refused to explain what happened during training.  Tony had spent the better part of an hour yelling at you about keeping secrets before you stormed off. 

You smirk when you see Bruce walk into the room, take one look at you, and turn around to leave. 

“Bruce, this meeting is for everyone.” Tony says to keep him from leaving.

Bruce turns to him. “I wasn’t there yesterday.  And I shouldn’t be in the room when she is this angry.”  He smiles at you weakly and you mouth a silent sorry at him before he leaves.

“Why are you angry?” You close your eyes, trying not to get worked up as Tony begins yelling again. 

“Because, Tony, you’ve been yelling at me since yesterday without giving me a chance to explain.”  You say, trying to maintain your calm.

“You said you weren’t going to explain!”

“No, I said I wasn’t going to explain while you were yelling at me.  And that still stands.” You lean back in your chair and cross your arms. 

“Tony,” Steve interrupts the both of you. “Y/N, can you explain?  It’s a bit unsettling to have a teammate keep a power like this a secret.”

You sigh, but decide to try to explain. “I’ve honestly not used it since fighting with Bucky.  It’s not easy to do.  It takes a lot of trust and work to keep the connection open.”

“So you trust him more than your teammates? Someone you haven’t seen in 3 years?  Who you were terrified of when you saw him again?” Tony voice is strained and you can tell he is trying not to yell.

“The connection opens up everything.  Every emotion.  Your deepest darkest secrets.  James has seen all of that.  I mean, he was there for most of it.  Plus it goes both ways.  You would have to willing for me to see everything.  Everything you want to keep hidden.”  It hurts when you see Tony flinch, knowing you’ve landed a blow.  That is the thing that hurts the most.  Knowing that after all the lives you’ve saved, all the times you’ve put your life on the line, there is a small part of your team that would never want you inside their head. 

“Can we just be done?”  Your voice has dropped to a whisper. 

“Unless you have anything else to confess?  I don’t like hydra agents keeping secrets from me.” Tony says with enough venom to make you snap.

Your eyes snap to meet his glare.   “Former hydra agent.  Like I’m a former Avenger.”  You stand and run from the room before anyone can grasp your meaning.  You want to stop in your room, but they’ll follow you there so you keep running. 

\--

You hoped the cover of darkness would shield your return to the facility.  You didn’t need much from your room.  You disabled Friday’s alarm system as you entered, hoping she would be offline long enough for you to get in and out.  You make your way silently to your room and slip through the door.  You’re shocked when you see James sitting on your bed.

“I packed you a bag.” His voice is quiet and sad. 

“You aren’t going to try to convince me to stay?” Your voice is loud in the silent room.

“Would it work?”

“No.”

James gets up from the bed and moves to stand in front of you.  His hand gently trails down your arm to clasp yours. 

“You know you could force me to stay,” you say.

“And you’d hate me for it.”

You reach up with your other hand and caress his cheek.

“You could come with me.”

“I can’t do that to Steve.”

“Even for me?” You whisper.

“Even for you.” You can hear the pain in his voice.

You place a gentle kiss on his lips before moving away to grab your bag. 

“I’ll look for you.”

You smile.  “You won’t find me.”

It’s his turn to smile as he says, “I have before.”

“Goodbye, James.”

You kiss him once more and leave the room before he can open his eyes. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That wasn't your first time leaving Bucky behind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really, really sorry

3 years ago

Everything has been leading up to this moment.  You could no longer do what Hydra wanted you to do and you needed to leave.  You used every skill they had taught you.  Every trick.  You had a one hour window with no guards outside of your cells.  You had slowly pickpocketed keys to as many doors as you could.  You should have straight shot out of here if the map you had scribbled in your notebook was correct.  But first you needed to get James.  Your alarm went off, rousing you from your pacing.  The guard should be gone and it is time to go. 

You open your door as silently as possible and sigh with relief when you confirm the guard is gone.  You slink down the hallway and around to corner to where they are keeping James.  You slide the key into the lock and slip into the room.  His expression is neutral when you turn to face him.  You had hoped that something had come back to him.  But you had the notebook and 30 minutes to try and get him to remember something, anything. 

“Hello, James.” You smiled softly as you took a seat in front of him.  “I’m Y/N.  Do you remember me?”

His brow furrowed in concentration before he answered. “No.”

“Can I read you some stories?  Maybe you’ll remember them?” You ask and flip open the notebook.

He nods and you begin to read.  You want to look at him.  To see if he recognizes anything you’re saying, but the time wears on and he hasn’t stopped you or said anything.  When your alarm sounds again, tears are falling down your cheeks.  Your time is up and a look into his eyes confirms your worst fears.  Whatever they have done to him has erased your hard work.  If you had more time, you might be able to bring him back.  But you don’t.  You can no longer pretend to be a part of Hydra and eventually that will get you killed. 

You stand slowly and slip the notebook into your bag.  You lean forward and take his hand and try to establish a connection.  But there is nothing, no emotions for you to connect to.

“Goodbye, James.  I’m sorry.  I hope someday you’ll forgive me for leaving you here.”

You press your lips to his, trying to convey all of your love and anguish in one gesture. 

“If you remember me.  If you remember anything, please find me.”

You leave him there, confused and alone.  Tears stream down your face as you run down the halls and to your freedom.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can you bring yourself to actually leave?

You make it as far as the lobby before breaking down in tears.  As angry and hurt as you are, you can’t bring yourself to leave.  You sink into a chair and sob into your hands. 

Your cries are interrupted by the sound of soft footsteps near you.  You look up and are surprised to see Steve walking towards you.

“Can’t bring yourself to leave Bucky again?”

You don’t trust your voice and only shake your head no. 

“I never thanked you for being there for Bucky and for bringing him back.  He never would have remembered me without you chipping away at what they did to him.” A sad smile plays across Steve’s lips.  “You meant a lot to him.  You still do.”

Steve laughs quietly when you stare at him in surprise. 

“Yeah, he told me.  Actually before I brought him back here.  He was looking for you, and not to try to kill you.  He kept refusing to come back with me, insisting we needed to find you.  Well, he didn’t use your name, otherwise it would have been easier to convince him to come back here.  Eventually I promised to use every tool at our disposal to find you.  Lucky for me, you made it easy.”

You smiled up at Steve.  But then frowned and shook your head.

 “Tony is still pissed at me.  I don’t blame him entirely,” you said.

“He’s not angry.” You scoff loudly at Steve’s words. “Alright, he’s not angry anymore.  He feels pretty awful, actually.  He just gets antsy when he thinks something could endanger the team.”

Your anger flares at his comment.  “I would never endanger the team.”

“We know that, he knows that.  Although that doesn’t tend to stop him from doing something ill-advised. You’ve heard the stories about Ultron.” Steve sighs.  “Just know we don’t want you gone.”

With that, Steve stands and leaves you alone with your thoughts.  Unable to make that final decision.  You lose track of time until you see the sun begin to rise through the windows.  You rise and hoist your bag over your shoulder and push through the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry these last two are a bit short. They could probably be one chapter, but I like the break.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You've made your decision

“Friday, where is Tony?”

“He is in his lab.  Would you like me to contact him?” The lilt of her voice is soothing.

“No, I’ll go to him.  Thank you.”

Tony didn’t notice you enter his lab.  It gave you a few moments to observe him.  He kept up such a façade all of the time.  Every now and then you would get a glimpse of the emotions running underneath with your powers, but you didn’t think he would appreciate you bringing them to light.  But this time you didn’t care. 

“Tony, I’m sorry. I-“ Your voice cut off when he turned to look at you.  For once you didn’t need your powers to know exactly how he was feeling.

“You left.” His voice was broken.

“Well, I couldn’t let you be the only one acting stupid.” When he smiled at you, you knew you two were going to be ok.  You sat next to him and pulled him into a hug. 

“It was never about me not trusting you, any of you.  James was there when no one else was.  I’m pretty sure I love him.  I think I’ve always loved him.”  You pull back from Tony as you finish.  A bit surprised at your confession. “I’ve never told him that.”

“Why are you telling me that instead of him?” Tony asked.

“I’m not done being stupid?” You looked at him sheepishly. “Plus, I really needed to tell you I was sorry.”

“You’re just apologizing because you didn’t want to miss our lunch date on Thursday.” Tony squeezed your hand.  You could sense he had things he wanted to say, but it wasn’t in Tony’s nature to say them. 

You squeezed his hand back as you said, “You saw right through me.”

\--

You open the door to your room slowly.  James is sitting on the edge of your bed, just where you found him a few hours ago. His elbows rest on his knees and his dark hair covers his face as he cradles his head in his hands.  It breaks your heart to know what you’ve done to him.  You don’t know where to start making it up to him.  His voice startles you from your thoughts.

“Yeah, Steve. I’m coming to train.” James raises his head to look at you and his eyes grow wide in shock.

The silence stretches out between the two of you.  You have so much you need to say to him, and you tried to say it all at once.  But like a horrible traffic jam, it all catches in your throat.  Finally you take a shaky breath and once you start talking, the words pour out of you like water. 

“I shouldn’t have left.  I was scared and angry, but I couldn’t leave you again.  I made it as far as the lobby.  Steve was there.  He told me about finding you.  And I apologized to Tony.  I told him I love you.  And I do.  I really do.  I always have.  I’m sorry I left you there alone.  I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”

Your words only stop when James wraps his arms around you.  He buries his face in your hair and you slide your arms around his waist. 

“I found you.” He whispers softly against your hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for reading along. I hope you enjoyed it. 
> 
> I had to apologize to Tony. Tony gets so much crap. TONY STARK NEEDS LOVE TOO!
> 
> I have so many ideas for what to write next, but I would always welcome more. I could definitely use a good idea for something longer. 
> 
> Enjoy your weekend.


End file.
